What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.