Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.