911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
mechanics be like
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.