Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.