shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Dance like you’re not the father
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.