Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
You Might Also Like
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Whoa 😂
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Just me and my debit card against the world