It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Nose
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
#SCOTUS one-star review
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden