Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.