One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.