When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.