…u ok Nintendo?
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I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Admin smashed it 😂
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.