Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup