my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Phonetics
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I think they could have phrased this better
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking