When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
this came to me in a vision
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.