Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
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Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…