5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I put the p in pants.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.