Tuesday
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Never let them know your next move 😂
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Always
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.