I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.