WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.