me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
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Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
there’s probably a fee though
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
British websites use biscuits.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.