Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.