WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Sunday
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.