My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*