Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I鈥檒l have two then please.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That鈥檚 not the entire expression?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here鈥檚 a song from 2005 I鈥檓 gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I鈥檓 the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I didn鈥檛 answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn鈥檛 feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I鈥檓 not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
One of my husband鈥檚 friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 馃槀馃槆
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That鈥檚 because you only have 1 brain.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Spider: what do you mean I don鈥檛 qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn鈥檛 the leggy
My wedding will be open casket.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet