Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.