Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad