if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.