[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Its a hippotatomus
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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