That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*