When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
You Might Also Like
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Follow me for more life hacks.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it