When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
hey, alexa
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.