Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”