Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*jazz hands*
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART