He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
You Might Also Like
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing