Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
This one’s “Alex”.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
U talkin 2 me?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler