[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.