The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?