Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Try and stop me.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.