How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Attacked by a mop.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident