You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
This was my dad’s browser history.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
No chill.