*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
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People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The prophecy is fulfilled
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography