How software testing works
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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Got him!