I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
starting a garage orchestra
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*