“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.