When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen