If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself