i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
True statement👍😏😁