My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.