If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey