I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when